What type of patron are you?

I-know-more-than-my-librarian type:
This is the type of patron that thinks they know what every title of every books ever written is. Not only do they know the title but the author, cover of the book, series name, and anything related to the book. From time to time I come across this type of ANNOYING patron because they just come up to the desk to show off. "I'm looking for that book by James Patterson about the man who is a detective. I believe (this is where they try to be modest - "I believe") the title is blah blah blah, published in blah, oh and... "Did I mention I have read all the previous books and that they are my favorite and that they are awesome and that I know more about the books than you...

Warning-before-asking type of patron:
"Can you help me with my computer?"
"Sure, what did you need help with?"
"I need help sending an email - but I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS!"
Well shit, this is probably the most terrifying thing you can hear from a patron because this indicates three things. One, they have never used a computer before and probably don't know what email even is. Two, they expect you to do all the work for them. Three, they will probably be really annoying and want you to spend 30 minutes with them explaining EVERYTHING step-by-step.

Linger-around-the-desk type of patron:
Why are you in the Library? This is probably the main question I ask myself when this type of patron is around. Do you really have nothing better to do than linger around the desk and ask me annoying questions. Oh and did I mention that they usually like to be around when I am helping other people and ask them question while they check-out. This patron likes to fill their time by asking question such as "Do you have this CD?" "Where did you go to school?" "Do you like dogs?" Sometimes I ignore them and tell them to find a seat, but when I am bored from time to time I will actually play their little game - MISTAKE! This only leads for their questions to get dumber and dumber and then I want to bite their heads off.

I-forget-my-library-card-every-day type of patron:
I absolutely can't stand this type of person. Probably because they are always some dumb teenager that thinks because they are a teen they are 'too cool' to carry their card. Each conversation usually goes like this --
"Are you ready to check-out?"
"Yup (notice the rudeness already), but I don't have my card"
"Do you have an ID with you or anything (useless question because I know they don't carry and ID or anything with their name on it.)?"
"Nah, can't you just look up my name?" (Well, yes dummy, but that is against the rules! Privacy reasons, I dunno. There is a reason we give you a card - SO THAT YOU CAN BRING IT! DO YOU JUST GO TO THE BANK AND ASK TO WITHDRAW MONEY WITH OUT ANY KIND OF ID? I would like 1 billion dollars please? Okay sir what is your name? - WRONG!) Okay, that is enough of this. Usually I will just look up their name or if I'm feeling extra bitchy that day I will tell them they can't checkout!

...to be continued!

Library Fashion: "Cause you can wear what ever you want to check-out books!"

Cardigans, sweaters, and khakis... We all know what librarians like to wear, but what about the crazy kooks that come into the Library?

Here is a just a list of a few popular?, I mean, fashionable? I mean, straight out weird, you wouldn't wear in public clothes, but if you wear these items in public I can assure you that I will blog about it or make fun of you!

1. First let me address the problem of over sized clothes and people. Okay, some people are fat, duh we live in the US. But the worst thing someone with that problem can do is wear clothes that is too small. This is mainly a problem when it comes to small spaghetti strap tank tops. If I am going to check-out your books I don't want to be FORCED to check out your big boobs or love handles along with those books.

2. Overalls, last time I wore overalls I think I was in elementary school, but I was wearing undergarments with them. No lady with just a bra underneath, I was wearing a t-shirt. Two sisters at the Library also suffer from matching-maroon-overalls syndrome. It is quite delightful and by delightful I mean I laugh every time I think about it.

3. Pajama pants. Being a college student, I can understand to a certain extent why people would wear pajamas in public. Usually it is because you woke up late or were just in a hurry. So now I pose a quest for you: When have you been in a hurry while visiting a library or late to the library? First of all, the library opens at 10 and closes at 8pm giving you enough time to at least put on some jeans before coming, shit. Now I will list my favorite pajamas pant in the past 5 years: dollar bills, playboy bunnies, NASCAR, and the winner baby bottles (this is an adult we are talking about).

4. The Library is the center for stereotyping and judging people, one of my favorite hobbies! Fashion is probably the best if not easiest way to stereotype people. What do you expect me to think when you come into the library with eyeliner, black trench coat, and stripper boots? Um, let's see...Serial Killer? No... Stripper? No... Oh, yea... GOTH FREAK, the possibilities are endless. Other common stereotyping that happens: Skank, Bro, Trailer trash (did I mention overalls? oh yea, I did), Gangsta, etc. etc. etc.

5. And lastly I will end my favorite fashion moment at the Library with a description: Brown short hair, about 230 pounds, 5'7, Black jean shorts (that used to be pants), Spider tights (for warmth?), black combat boots (maybe they're a veteran?) small white shirt (I can see out the bottom and top), and (drum role please) RED. VELVET. HOODED. ROBE.

Shake yo booty, shake, shake yo bootay!

It was a quiet day at the Library when:

 

Lady: May I have my Library card number please?

Me: Sure, Ma'am. What is your last name?

Lady: BOOTAY!

Me: Excuse me?

Miss Bootay: Bootay.

Me: Okay, let me get that for you.

 

Let me just say that I had a constant smirk on my face and kept singing in my head while this happened.

Awkward Moment of the Day

Just sitting at the desk minding my own business when a lady comes up. The first thing I notice is the pierced tongue and attitude.

 

Lady: Hi, I'm looking for a book that I didn't find in your database. I think it is rather new.

Me: Okay, what are you looking for? Do you know the title?

Lady: Yes, its rather new though... (LONG PAUSE... LOOKS AT THE GROUND...) "Oral Sex is the new goodnight kiss."

Me: (Trying my hardest to keep my cool and not burst out laughing) Let me check the catalog. Nope, doesn't look like we have it.

Lady: At any of the libraries?

Me: No (NO LADY WE AINT A PORN SHOP!)

Lady: Do you think you guys will get it soon?

Me: (SERIOUSLY!) You might check back with us in about a month and see if its on order...

 

She walks away. I giggle silently to myself.

Bitch I'll Kill You!

So... I have run into many wonderful young ladies at the library that could possibly be great candidates for the always delightful title: BITCH! But this blog definitely involves a SUPER bitch! Here is goes:

7:55pm, just FIVE! minutes! before! the! library! closes! (exclamation points may be abused in this blog)! There is a lady in the back just browsing the shelves like she has no worry in the world (this would be when I label her as just bitch), even though I gave an announcement like 20 seconds ago that went something like this:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, The Library will be closing in about 5 minutes. If you will please wrap-up your work on the computers and IF YOU HAVE ANY ITEMS TO CHECK OUT PLEASE BRING! THEM! UP! TO! THE! DESK! NOW!!!."

She looks at me nonchalantly and then turns back around to look for more books. At this point you may be thinking, geez señor settle down, maybe she just came in last minute and decided to browse the shelves really quickly. Trust me, if that were the case, this posting wouldn't exist. She had been browsing the shelves for about 40 minutes already and our collection isn't that big!.

8:00pm, I make the final announcement that we are now closed and to bring your items up to the desk. Everyone leave the library except one patron (guess who?)! I turn off the light in the back. the lights just went off, hmmm. What does that mean? Time to go, surely not. I guess I will just browse the shelves in the dark...

8:02pm!!!! Shit lady we are CLOSED. These of course aren't the words that come out of my mouth when I go back to the stacks and let her know that we are CLOSED and that if she wants to check out a book she needs to do it now. I stand there until she proceeds to walk towards the circulation desk. I follow...

8:05pm, FINALLY! I'm checking out her books as fast as possible cause I wanna go home. This SUPER BITCH, decides that I should be super friendly to her when she begins to ask me reference question such as: I need to look up an article, where should I go. TO HELL, I mean no ma'am you can just use our databases, here is a list. Your books are due back in two week, please never come back to the library, EVER.

8:09pm, Steps out to the lobby. I check the bathrooms to make sure no one is there. Guess who is still in the lobby, yup SUPER BITCH! I give her a second before I tell her, AGAIN! "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we are closed. "Yes, I know (roll of the eyes) but I just need to write down this number... (My head is about to explode!)

8:12pm. She finally walks out the door and leaves? Yea right, nope! She holds the door open as she reads the four event signs posted on the door.

8:14pm -- SHE'S GONE! I whisper to my co-worker, What a bitch, we laugh...

scene...

Top 10 Ways to know you have worked in a public library too long!

1. You start to hate small children (I didn't think this was possible, but it is. Especially children who have parents who think a two-year-old can behave on their own, unattended!)

2. Weird things starts to seem regular. example: the smell of urine, eew!

3. You keep track of books old ladies read and sometimes get asked: "Carlos, have I read this." To which I respond with uber confidence, "Yes Ms. Simmons, you are up to date on your James Patterson"

4. You check-out too many books (which I usually don't read) and then don't really worry about bringing them back because you don't get library fines.

5. When people ask you for the DIRTAY BOOKS you know exactly what they are talking about and where they are located. examples: Desperate Hoodwives, Mo' Money, and Marry Your Baby Daddy.

6. Most of your conversations are about books, library patrons, or other library related things. (If you are my friend or have talked to me you probably already knew this)

7. You find yourself saying more than ten times a day "I hate that person and want to kill them!"

8. You can sense bitchy people and can automatically prepare yourself for some nagging without having to punch a pillow.

9. Small children pretend you are an alien when they see you at the store and whisper to their parents, "Mom, there's the library man."

10. You start a blog about your life at work because so many freaking crazy things go on.

Marketing skills in action @ the Library

One of the most fun and beautiful things that I get to do at the library are book displays. These can range from Vampires, Dogs, and even poop! Here is a small assortment of some of my greatest displays ever. Enjoy.
BASEBALL


Dr. Seuss and I happen to share a birthday. That might have contributed to the greatness of this display


The rainbow is a beautiful thing, why not show it off with all its colors.


Is there anything cuter than bunnies? Well probably, but not as cute as these.


Okay, that all for now. But the boasting will continue, promise.